England went over 37 years without scoring directly from a free-kick

 

Everyone loves a free-kick; a moment of pause and tension in a game that's often played at breakneck speed, and one that requires an exquisite level of skill to execute. And it's this difficulty in actually hitting the back-of-the-net that's the subject of this very article, as amazingly the English National Team failed to score directly from a dead-ball situation for almost four decades.

In their first 66 (really) years the Three Lions managed to put the ball past the keeper straight from a set-piece half-a-dozen times, but between the 2nd December 1936 and the 29th May 1974 they failed to add even on more to their tally.

Even after they broke this particular duck pickings continued to be slim with only a further 4 over the next twenty years. 

Indeed, it wasn't until the emergence of David Beckham, England's top-scoring free-kick taker of all time (although arguably not the "greatest" as second place man Eric Brook had a far better return), that things really took a turn, although the average is still around one every four years, and still only three English players in history have achieved more than a single goal from un calcio di punizione diretto (as they call it in Italy):

1. David Beckham (1996-2009, 115 caps) - 6
   
2. Eric Brook (1929-1937, 18 caps) - 3
3. Wayne Rooney (2003-2018, 120 caps)- 2

The most recent (as of writing) was Kieran Trippier in 2018, which is already four years ago, but not to worry, that leaves us another 33 until this article needs to be updated... Which is a relief given the rate I write at!

"Safety Trousers" with Carles Busquets

 

There are a lot of good reasons to wear trousers; comfort, fashion, the desire to avoid arrest for indecent exposure, but protecting the wearer from harm is not one you'd normally expect outside of some kind of hazardous area scenario. Nevertheless, former Barcelona FC backup goalie Carles Busquets (father of current Barca player Sergio Busquets) claimed this as the exact reason for his choice of attire when the Spanish shot stopping substitute superstar spoke straightforwardly with Mundo Deportivo back in May 1991:

"I got used to playing in training with sweatpants and in the end I decided to wear them also in the official matches because I felt safer and more secure. This way, there is less danger of my leg being injured.” 

And he adds jokingly: “I was one of the first goalkeepers to play with long pants and now many imitate me”.

 Great joke Carles, great joke... 

Taking it too far with Timor-Leste

Today we're continuing the theme of recent articles here on WWOFM by looking at international eligibility (I promise the next article will be about something different); as we've already established, lots of countries rely on "naturalised" players, those whose ties to the country they represent have developed from living there. However few countries have relied on natuarilisation quite as much as República Democrática de
Timor-Leste.

In an effort to establish themselves as a football force in the region, if not the world, the country also referred to as East Timor developed a reliance on Northern Irish Brazilian players beginning in 2012, but bad publicity over the ensuing period forced a change of heart three years later:

'Timor Leste will be without seven naturalised Brazilian players for the 2018 World Cup and 2019 Asian Cup joint qualifiers visit of UAE on Thursday night.

The decision to drop their oversea-born legion was taken by Timor Leste Football Federation (FFTL) following a concern from some Timorese who complained to the prime minister, the prosecutor general and the minister for justice regarding the naturalisation program.

“Why will these seven players not play? Good question, because I don’t know. I am only the coach. Of course, I prefer my team to be strong,” said the team coach, Fernando Alcantara, who could not explain the details on decision.

“But they are changing the project in Timor Leste with only new and young Timoreans playing. My objective is to make a good match and give experience for my younger players.”'

Unfortunately without these players results went south quite dramatically with the Lafaek (or "The Crocodile" as their nickname translates to English) losing to the United Arab Emirates by a disappointment scoreline of 8-0 in Novemeber 2015. 

Things failed to improve in the next match, with a 10-0 loss to Saudi Arabia.

This left the national FA (the Federação de Futebol de Timor-Leste, or FFTL for short) with a difficult dilemma. They needed their Brazillians back, but they couldn't go back on their pledge to only recruit players that had demonstrable blood links to the country.

The solution? Forge their birth certificates of course!

Birth and baptism certificates were doctored by football chiefs in a tiny southeast Asian country to allow a dozen Brazilians to play for them.

[...]

They found the documents were doctored to falsely show the players had East Timorese heritage, with one or both of their parents being born in the country.

As you might imagine, the sudden reappearance of players who'd previously been dropped didn't exactly fly under the radar and it took only two months for the Asian Football Confederation to find the FFTL of bringing the game into disrepute, proactively exclude them from Asian Cup 2023 qualifying, fine them $20,000 US Dollars and ban their general secretary for a period of three years.

Which is one way of getting world-wide recognition, but undoubtedly not the kind they were originally hoping for...

David Johnson's World of Home Nations Football

 

The UK's Home Nations (England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland) are perhaps the most well-known of FIFA's non-sovereign nations. These are countries which are themselves part of other countries, and understandably these non-sovereign nations often have even great complexity when it comes to who qualifies to play for them; for example, what team (or teams) is a British-passport holder born overseas allowed to play for? The answer, broadly speaking (and we'll get to the nuances as the story develops) is all of them. And brings us to the subject of today's article.

David Johnson was born in Kingston, Jamaica but was of British parentage and relocated to the UK as a child. He moved up through the England school boy scene, eventually making a senior international appearance (albeit for England B) in 1998, being selected by then-England-manager Glenn Hoddle in a game designed as testing-ground for under-the-radar players, ahead of that year's World Cup.

After closing out that year without any further interest from the Three Lions, Johnson decided that it was time for a change. Or in fact several changes.

Firstly he pondered a call-up from Northern Ireland's Lawrie McMenemy, but took things no further than that. 

Instead his next step was to answer the call from a rather different side:

Jamaica. And this time he actually played....

...before deciding to switch nationality once again to Wales, stating:

"Mark Hughes told me Wales are going places"

Unfortunately an injury in training prevented Johnson from appearing, but did provide an opportunity for another nationality change, proudly declaring

"[My] future is with Scotland"

Sadly at this point, that pesky nuance came into play: Johnson's mother was found to have been born in England, something that was initially unclear as (much like in the case of Tony Cascarino) she was adopted at birth. 

Why did this matter? Well, under a 1993 agreement between the home nations, a player is tied to their parent's (or grandparents) country, meaning the approaches from Wales and Scotland should never have been made.

Having heard this, the Jamaican FA made appeals to Johnson to return for the 2000 Gold Cup:

Horace Reid, general secretary of the Jamaican Football Federation, has pleaded with Johnson to lead the Reggae Boyz attack in the Gold Cup, saying: "The door is still open to David. He is an exceptional talent who has established himself as one of the top players in his division.

But nothing came of their request.

Amazingly, this wasn't the end of the tale as Northern Ireland subsequently got in touch with the player again in 2004, who was open to the idea of representing the Seleção Norn Iron, with new boss Lawrie Sanchez confirming

"I did speak to David Johnson a while ago; he was interested [in playing for Northern Ireland], but when we checked his eligibility we found out that his mother's English and therefore he can't play for us."

 As is often the case in these scenarios, that was the end of his international playing career, but in an interesting post-script his son Brennan followed a similar, but less convoluted, path appearing first for England at Youth level before switching to Wales for his full debut.

Which is kind of a nice way to tie the whole story up. Hopefully one day he has a grandchild who turns out for the Tartan Army and the circle will be complete!

Ineligible Internationals

Nationality tends to be a fluid thing in football these days, with almost every major national competition featuring a Brazilian or two, but today we're looking at some examples that overstepped the mark; players who appeared on the international stage when they just plain shouldn't have.

Before we do though, an important note: A lot of people would consider Tony Cascarino to be the most famous example, after all he claimed in his 2000 autobiography that he had no right to play for Ireland due to the fact his mother was adopted, and so his Irish grandfather was not a blood relation. 

 

What's often missed is that later that same year, the Irish FA confirmed that he actually was eligible, as adopted relatives still count when applying for nationality from the Emerald Isle.

 

And with that squared away, let's get on with the rest!

Deklan Wynne

Team: New Zealand

Appearances: 15

South-African-born Deklan Wynne inadvertently caused his adopted nation of New Zealand to be thrown out of qualifying for the 2016 Olympics, after it was found that the defender did not satisfy any of the relevant criteria for assuming a new footballing nationality, having no relatives of New Zealand descent, nor satisfying the residency requirements: Wynne moved to the country as a child, but left to ply his trade in the states at age eighteen, and the rules require five years of residency in an adopted country after reaching adulthood.

In a generous twist, FIFA later granted an exemption to allow Wynne to continue to represent the country going forward. While he missed his own chance to play at the Olympics, the "Olly Whites" returned successfully for the 2020 tournament. 

 

Charly Moussono

Team: Gabon

Appearances: 12

The beach is a great place to relax and soak up some rays but as anyone who has ever accidentally stepped on a jellyfish can attest, it's can also be the source of painful memories. Charly Moussono knows that all too well; having made ten international appearances for Gabon his international career was called to an abrupt halt in 2012 because six years earlier he'd represented Cameroon at the Beach Soccer World Cup, even participating in a 5-2 loss to the Solomon Islands in that very tournament.

 

While this presumably meant he was eligible for Cameroon, the Indomitable Lions sadly never called on the bucket & spade wielding centre back. In happier news, he appears to have continued his club career for at least a few more years, although up-to-date info is hard to come by.

 

Herve Xavier Zengue

Team: Burkina Faso

Appearances: 7

The institution of matrimony can bring many benefits, but unfortunately for the Cameronian defender Herve Zengue the opportunity to represent your spouses nation in football is not one of them.

The man commonly known as just "Xavier" had a Burkinabe wife, and thus a passport from the country, but that in itself was not enough, and his appearances for Les Étalons drew complaints from defeated opponents Namibia. The results of the games were overturned, Burkina Faso were fined and the player in question was no longer allowed to appear for his wife's homeland.

Tyrone Mears

Team: Jamaica

Appearances: 1

One-time Manchester City man Mears made many moves searching for soccer stardom in a club he could call home, and the same was true of the international scene as the former England youth player who had played at all levels from U16 to U21 sought out a whole new country at the age of 28 by accepting a call up to the Reggae Boyz, on the grounds of a Jamaican father. 

 

He subsequently turned out in a friendly against Nigeria and declared himself thrilled to represent the country on behalf of his Dad.

 

Unfortunately for Mears his father was actually from Sierra Leone. Which is not Jamaica. 

 

While this put an end to his internationally career, his club playing days continued for a further ten years, during which time he also undertook studies in Counter-Terrorism at Southern New Hampshire University.

 

When combined with his ability to assume another nationality, Mears could be a real asset to the intelligence community!

Daddy Birori

Team: Rwanda

Appearances: 19

 

Way back when, in the year of 2009, when we could all safely eat as many bat sandwiches as we liked (none for me, thanks) a 19 year old Congolese man named Etekiama Agiti Tady turned out for Rwandan league champions ATRACO F.C in the CAF Champions League.

That same year, 23 year old Daddy Bironi made his debut for his home country of Rwanda. 

The only problem? Bironi and Tady were the same person using two different passports, with two different dates of birth and two different nationalities. Which one (if any) was real is unclear, but it lead to a two year suspension for the player.

Presumably one for each passport he used?

Party like a Premiership Footballer!

Sadly we can't all be rich, famous and talented but should we let that get in the way of our desire for a good old fashioned knees-up? Heck no! Follow these simple rules (as demonstrated by some of your favourite players) and soon you'll be partying like a pro!

#1 Set the mood with decorations.

Everybody knows a party needs decorations but let's face it, balloons and banners are old hat these days. So what do the boys from Manchester United recommend?

The news travelled fast between the racks of £1,000 Prada dresses and podiums loaded with Louis Vuitton handbags in the Manchester branch of Harvey Nichols. Word had come down from the players at Manchester United that it was time for a "harvest".

The best looking shop assistants were put on alert to expect an invite to one of the biggest football parties of the year.[...]
One by one, the invites for the event came; sometimes directly from a player shopping after training, or from a friend deputised to handpick the most attractive young women to "decorate" their party.

#2 Have fun, but stay dignified.

Our next tip comes from former Arsenal fan favourite Ashley Cole, reminding us that a man is nothing without his dignity.

"During the ride he was slurring his words and was a right mess. Then he just threw up everywhere.

"My friend was going mad but he just smiled and said to me, 'She should be privileged Ashley Cole was sick in her car.'

#3 Make sure there are enough bathrooms.

There's nothing worse than going to a party, having a great time and then spending twenty minutes in a queue for the toilet. Just ask Hayden Foxe!

After running up a bar bill of almost £2,000 one of the Hammers involved, Australian international Hayden Foxe, decided that rather than urinating in the toilet he'd do it on the bar instead. While standing on top of it.

#4 Be polite and gracious with other guests!

A party is not a party without other people and its important to make sure that everyone has a good time. Something Joey Barton knows only too well.

[Barton] stubs a lit cigar into the eye of young team-mate Jamie Tandy during club's Christmas party. Fined six weeks' wages by City. Forced to pay four weeks' salary - approximately £60,000 - immediately, with a further two weeks suspended for a year.

#5 Give a gift, make a friend!

Its said that giving is better than receiving, but its important to give the right gift.

Invite one of Dennis Wise and Robbie Savage to a party and you're arguably asking for trouble. Invite them both, and you might as well call the cops before it even starts.

The atmosphere at relegation-threatened Leicester's Xmas bash understandably turned sour when Wise gave Savage a teddy bear impaled on a sex toy and reportedly told him: "Take this, because you're the only p***k in a Leicester shirt at the moment."

Savage responded by smearing chocolate on the former Wimbledon star's face and mocking his relationship with old pal Dave Bassett.

But the mood really went downhill when Wise went on to make sexual remarks about Robbie's then girlfriend. Cue knuckle sandwiches all round.

Hopefully now you have learned some important lessons and you too can enjoy the fabulous life of a professional sports athlete sporting-person.

Take Care

Caretaker manager may well be the second-least glamorous position in football (someone has to clean the bath tubs.) The only guarantees it brings are difficult circumstances and zero job security. Yet despite this, certain individuals have been able to triumph over adversity and bring success to both themselves and their clubs, in the process securing themselves full time employment. But reading about them would be boring. Instead lets look at three crazy cases of confounding caretakery!

Tony Parkes

Tony Parkes will forever be associated with Blackburn Rovers, having spent an incredible 34 years (count 'em) with the club as both a player and a member of the coaching staff. During this time he enjoyed (endured?) an even more astounding number of stints in charge, temporarily taking the reins not once, not twice, not thrice, not...erm...quice.... Well anyway he was caretaker manager on six separate occasions, with his first stint in 1986 and his last in 2004, all the while serving as Assistant Manager under seven different managers. Two of these stints (During 96/97 and 99/00) lasted for over twenty-five games.

Sadly his three decades of loyal service counted for little when angry-faced Welshman and former Barcelona ace Mark Hughes took over and brought his own backroom staff with him. Even worse Parkes himself wasn't informed in person, instead being told by his own daughter who had heard the news on the radio.

The Odd Couple



Speaking of long service, how about Steve Coppell at Crystal Palace? He took the reigns at Selhurst Park on four separate occasions over a sixteen year period at the club, spanning 84 to 2000 (aka "The Willenium").

However its the time between Coppell's third and fourth stints that's relevant to this article. At the time the club were competing in the Premiership but had spent the past few years yo-yo-ing between the top flight and Division 1 (The Championship/Old-Old-Division 2) and mounting debts meant new ownership from Mark Goldberg.

With such a tumultuous atmosphere surrounding the club it was obvious to all involved that steady hands would be needed at the wheel.

So to whom did The Eagles turn to steer them back on course?

Bobby Robson, the former England manager, who had recently lost the managerial hot seat at Barcelona to Louis Van Gaal?

No? Well what about Ruud Gullit? He guided Chelsea to FA Cup glory in only his first season and, at the time of his sacking (only a month before Coppell's departure) his team were second in the league.

Still no? Well... What about Gerry Francis? He'd resigned as Spurs manager in September 1997 and, whilst not exactly possessing a glorious record, he at least had experience.

Nope.

Instead of any of those options or in fact any other qualified coach in the world they chose to give the management job to these two:



Attillo Lombardo and Tomas Brolin.

This despite the fact that neither had coached before. At any level. Ever.

Lombardo later described the circumstances as follows:

“I came home last night and received a phone call and was summoned by the chairman-to-be and I was proposed the job there and then. I had half-an-hour to make a decision, and it felt like being run over by a lorry.”

Unsurprisingly Palace lost five of their next seven matches and were eventually relegated.

Ending on a lighter note... Sandy Stewart



When Owen Coyle left Scotland's St. Jonhston to take up the reigns at Championship side Burnley it was up to his assistant Sandy Stewart to lead the side into their next game. Which just so happened to be the Scottish Challenge Cup final. Which they duly won. Beating Dunfermline Athletic 3-2. Capturing their first trophy in over ninety years. And leaving Stewart with a 100% winning record. One game, one win, one cup.

Five days later Stewart resigned to resume his former position as Coyle's No.2 at their new home of Turf Moor, leaving one important question unanswered:

What would happen if Sandy Stewart managed a team with Pegguy Arphexard in it?!