Party like a Premiership Footballer!

Sadly we can't all be rich, famous and talented but should we let that get in the way of our desire for a good old fashioned knees-up? Heck no! Follow these simple rules (as demonstrated by some of your favourite players) and soon you'll be partying like a pro!

#1 Set the mood with decorations.

Everybody knows a party needs decorations but let's face it, balloons and banners are old hat these days. So what do the boys from Manchester United recommend?

The news travelled fast between the racks of £1,000 Prada dresses and podiums loaded with Louis Vuitton handbags in the Manchester branch of Harvey Nichols. Word had come down from the players at Manchester United that it was time for a "harvest".

The best looking shop assistants were put on alert to expect an invite to one of the biggest football parties of the year.[...]
One by one, the invites for the event came; sometimes directly from a player shopping after training, or from a friend deputised to handpick the most attractive young women to "decorate" their party.

#2 Have fun, but stay dignified.

Our next tip comes from former Arsenal fan favourite Ashley Cole, reminding us that a man is nothing without his dignity.

"During the ride he was slurring his words and was a right mess. Then he just threw up everywhere.

"My friend was going mad but he just smiled and said to me, 'She should be privileged Ashley Cole was sick in her car.'

#3 Make sure there are enough bathrooms.

There's nothing worse than going to a party, having a great time and then spending twenty minutes in a queue for the toilet. Just ask Hayden Foxe!

After running up a bar bill of almost £2,000 one of the Hammers involved, Australian international Hayden Foxe, decided that rather than urinating in the toilet he'd do it on the bar instead. While standing on top of it.

#4 Be polite and gracious with other guests!

A party is not a party without other people and its important to make sure that everyone has a good time. Something Joey Barton knows only too well.

[Barton] stubs a lit cigar into the eye of young team-mate Jamie Tandy during club's Christmas party. Fined six weeks' wages by City. Forced to pay four weeks' salary - approximately £60,000 - immediately, with a further two weeks suspended for a year.

#5 Give a gift, make a friend!

Its said that giving is better than receiving, but its important to give the right gift.

Invite one of Dennis Wise and Robbie Savage to a party and you're arguably asking for trouble. Invite them both, and you might as well call the cops before it even starts.

The atmosphere at relegation-threatened Leicester's Xmas bash understandably turned sour when Wise gave Savage a teddy bear impaled on a sex toy and reportedly told him: "Take this, because you're the only p***k in a Leicester shirt at the moment."

Savage responded by smearing chocolate on the former Wimbledon star's face and mocking his relationship with old pal Dave Bassett.

But the mood really went downhill when Wise went on to make sexual remarks about Robbie's then girlfriend. Cue knuckle sandwiches all round.

Hopefully now you have learned some important lessons and you too can enjoy the fabulous life of a professional sports athlete sporting-person.

Take Care

Caretaker manager may well be the second-least glamorous position in football (someone has to clean the bath tubs.) The only guarantees it brings are difficult circumstances and zero job security. Yet despite this, certain individuals have been able to triumph over adversity and bring success to both themselves and their clubs, in the process securing themselves full time employment. But reading about them would be boring. Instead lets look at three crazy cases of confounding caretakery!

Tony Parkes

Tony Parkes will forever be associated with Blackburn Rovers, having spent an incredible 34 years (count 'em) with the club as both a player and a member of the coaching staff. During this time he enjoyed (endured?) an even more astounding number of stints in charge, temporarily taking the reins not once, not twice, not thrice, not...erm...quice.... Well anyway he was caretaker manager on six separate occasions, with his first stint in 1986 and his last in 2004, all the while serving as Assistant Manager under seven different managers. Two of these stints (During 96/97 and 99/00) lasted for over twenty-five games.

Sadly his three decades of loyal service counted for little when angry-faced Welshman and former Barcelona ace Mark Hughes took over and brought his own backroom staff with him. Even worse Parkes himself wasn't informed in person, instead being told by his own daughter who had heard the news on the radio.

The Odd Couple



Speaking of long service, how about Steve Coppell at Crystal Palace? He took the reigns at Selhurst Park on four separate occasions over a sixteen year period at the club, spanning 84 to 2000 (aka "The Willenium").

However its the time between Coppell's third and fourth stints that's relevant to this article. At the time the club were competing in the Premiership but had spent the past few years yo-yo-ing between the top flight and Division 1 (The Championship/Old-Old-Division 2) and mounting debts meant new ownership from Mark Goldberg.

With such a tumultuous atmosphere surrounding the club it was obvious to all involved that steady hands would be needed at the wheel.

So to whom did The Eagles turn to steer them back on course?

Bobby Robson, the former England manager, who had recently lost the managerial hot seat at Barcelona to Louis Van Gaal?

No? Well what about Ruud Gullit? He guided Chelsea to FA Cup glory in only his first season and, at the time of his sacking (only a month before Coppell's departure) his team were second in the league.

Still no? Well... What about Gerry Francis? He'd resigned as Spurs manager in September 1997 and, whilst not exactly possessing a glorious record, he at least had experience.

Nope.

Instead of any of those options or in fact any other qualified coach in the world they chose to give the management job to these two:



Attillo Lombardo and Tomas Brolin.

This despite the fact that neither had coached before. At any level. Ever.

Lombardo later described the circumstances as follows:

“I came home last night and received a phone call and was summoned by the chairman-to-be and I was proposed the job there and then. I had half-an-hour to make a decision, and it felt like being run over by a lorry.”

Unsurprisingly Palace lost five of their next seven matches and were eventually relegated.

Ending on a lighter note... Sandy Stewart



When Owen Coyle left Scotland's St. Jonhston to take up the reigns at Championship side Burnley it was up to his assistant Sandy Stewart to lead the side into their next game. Which just so happened to be the Scottish Challenge Cup final. Which they duly won. Beating Dunfermline Athletic 3-2. Capturing their first trophy in over ninety years. And leaving Stewart with a 100% winning record. One game, one win, one cup.

Five days later Stewart resigned to resume his former position as Coyle's No.2 at their new home of Turf Moor, leaving one important question unanswered:

What would happen if Sandy Stewart managed a team with Pegguy Arphexard in it?!