Sub Goalie Hall of Fame!: 2nd Edition!

Previously we've looked at Steve Harper and all that he has managed to achieve through his non-playing ways.

Today we look at not one, not two but three (count 'em) sub goalie's who've made their way in the world without making their way off the bench.

Carlo Cudicini

Good old Double C is probably one of the best keepers in Europe. I say probably because the old mucker hardly gets a look in since the arrival of Petr Cech in 2004. In fact Carlo's made a mere 54 appearances in the four seasons since, his first team aspirations kept firmly in check by the Czech Cech.

Despite this lack of playing time the Italian has shown little inclination to move elsewhere, a stance that has drawn criticism from some corners, although surely he deserves some credit for his loyalty.

Of course there may be another reason why he'd want to stay at one of the world's richest clubs. Notably a salary of allegedly £1.6 million a year. That amounts to £6.4 million over the past four seasons. Divide by the number of games he's played (6400000/54) means he earns approximately £118518.51 per appearance. Not bad work if you can get it. If you assume that each appearance lasted 90 minutes (they didn't all I know, for example he got sent off against Newcastle in the FA Cup back in 2005. And of course he got injured against Reading back in 2006. But let's play along anyway!) that would mean he earns around £1316.87 for every minute he plays. Bargain!


Pegguy Arphexad

Guadaloupian goal guardian Pegguy Arphexad may well be the most efficient footballer in history, winning 7 medals over 6 years whilst only making a total of 23 appearances!

The Caribbean custodian spent the early years of his career attempting to break into the starting line-ups of Lille and Lens. After little success en Francais an offer to cross the channel and join Leicester City seemed too good to pass up.

Three years, 21 appearances and a League Cup Medal later he left for the greener pastures (not literally) of Liverpool. There he was even more successful, winning two league cups, an FA cup, the UEFA Cup, the European Super Cup and the Charity Shield, all whilst only playing for the first team twice! That means his English career average was a medal every 3.2 games played. Imagine if he'd played a full season, the FA would've had to start making up new competitions for him to win!

It is worth noting that whenever called on Arphexad showed himself more than capable of tending goal at the highest level. Sadly he was never given an extended first team run and retired in 2005 after spells at Stockport County, Coventry City, Notts County and finally Olympique de Marseille.

Still he's won more trophies than Alan Shearer and George Best combined so it's not all bad.

Valerio Fiori

There have been few more enthusiastic exponents of the occasional appearance than Milan's former third choice keeper Valerio Fiori; the Roman could almost have been registered as a missing person with only three appearances in a nine year stint with the Rossoneri. The former Lazio No.1 certainly made good use of his free time; completing a law degree in 2007 before retiring at the end of the 07/08 season.

I guess he really did love "sitting on the bench"!

Because, you know, Judge's sit "on the bench"...

And so do football substitutes.

Get it?

David Hillier took drugs, stole a guy's luggage and became a fireman. But not at the same time.

With all the attention currently being lavished on Arsenal's sensational youngsters it seems now would the ideal time to focus on the life and times of one of their former young charges: tough-tackling midfielder David Hillier.

Hillier began his career by signing schoolboy forms with The Gunners way back in the halcyon days of 1984, when Torvil & Dean won Olypmic gold and the Ministry of Truth ensured all facts were historically accurate... Or something.

Anyways four years later Deadly Dave (as I like to call him) turned pro and within several years had become a regular under crazy bung-taking medal-machine George Graham. The future looked first class. Sadly at that point things started to go off the rails (I was trying for a train pun there, you know - "first class carrige", "off the rails"... Didn't really work, did it?)

Firstly in March 1995 he tested positive for illegal substance abuse then, the following year he thieved a suitcase in an airport carpark and, in the process, ensured that his future at Highbury was stolen away from him.

He subsequently went on to play for Portsmouth, Bristol Rovers and Barnet before hanging up his boots and joining the Fire Service.

So who knows; Bradley Wright-Phillips might just end up being a paramedic.

Brian Clough refused to sign Gary McAllister because he wore cowboy boots to a meeting.

Gary McAllister may have an MBE, 55 caps for Scotland, and winners medals for the League, the FA Cup, the League Cup and the UEFA Cup but if there is one thing he certainly does not have it's fashion sense.

Never was this more evident than when the Motherwellian (Motherwellatian?) midfield maestro met mercurial management monster Mrian Mlough (Brain Clough... Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Alliteration Anonymous, that's what I need. Or maybe a holiday. Somewhere sunny.)

At the time McAllister was a Leicester City player who been presented with the possibility of a move across the East Midlands to Clough's Nottingham Forest. Sadly the Scotsman made the mistake of turning up for meeting the in cowboy boots prompting Clough to famously remark:

"Who do you think you are young man? Bloody John Wayne?"

McAllister fired back "Actually yes I do and what's more I am very sensitive about it so I'd ask that you kindly avoid the subject as mental health issues are not something to be joked about and should be dealt with in a respectful and dignified manner and not treated as subjects fit for shameful ridicule. GOOD DAY SIR!" Nah, he didn't really. But it would have been great if he had.

Michael Boulding was a pretty good tennis player back in the day.

Bradford City's Sheffield-born striker Michael Boulding is probably best known for either his two successful stints at Mansfield Town or his decidedly less auspicious abode at Aston Villa where he was denied the chance to impress with his only outings coming in the Intertoto cup.

Less well known is the fact that before turning his hand (or, more accurately, feet) to a career in association football, Boulding was a promising tennis player who reached a career-high ranking of 1119. Not quite world champion material but respectable enough none the less.

Realising that his heart (and his wallet) would be better served by ditching the racket he called time on his tennis career at the age of 23 and began his first stint with the Staggs in Division Three. He subsequently went on to play for (deeeeeeeeep breath) Grimsby, Aston Villa (I mentioned that before, remember?), Sheffield United, Barnsley and Cardiff City before deciding to hang up his boots at the age of 29. And then changing his mind and un-retiring to join Rotheram. And then leaving four months later without making a first team appearance to rejoin Mansfield. This time he brought along his brother too. Fast forward two years and a bunch of goals and we're up to the present day with the Fabulous Boulding Boys signing for Bradford City.

Will MB be a success for the Bantams? Well I guess the ball is in his court.

Oh god, just kill me now. Seriously, can you believe that's how I'm ending this article? I cannot be serious!

Alright, I'm just making things worse now aren't I?

Alex Ferguson is a very angry (and succesful) man.

Love him or hate him, you can't deny that Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson has won a frightening amount of medals. In fact you could say that the only thing more intimidating than the size of his trophy cabinet is his notoriously short temper.

Indeed the Grizzly Glasweigan's outbursts and overreactions have become a matter of routine over the years. Some of the more bizarre (and most infamous) include kicking a boot at David Beckham, gatecrashing Ryan Giggs and Lee Sharpe's house party,branding Paul Ince a "big time charlie", refusing to speak to the BBC after they questioned his son's business dealings and even going as far as boycotting Manchester United's in house television channel MUTV after they criticised his tactics.

However perhaps strangest of all was when the then-Aberdeen manager fined his star striker John Hewitt for overtaking him in his car. As in they were both driving on a road. And John Hewitt overtook the car in front. And Alex Ferguson was driving that car. And that apparently merits a club fine.

Most would agree it would've been fair for Ferguson to at least seek an explanation from Hewitt before issuing the fine. After all he might just have really needed to go to the toilet!

A couple of videos of footballers singing badly.

Footballers and music just don't mix. There have been innumerable infamous incidents involving ill-advised attempts at irenic integration including Gazza's truly appalling rendition of the already painful "Fog On The Tyne" (which somehow reached no.2 in the British charts in late 1990) and Chris Waddle's double assault on the ears of the world which included "We've Got A Feeling" (featuring his Olympique Marseille team-mate Basil Boli) and of course the now-legendary "Diamond Lights" featuring Glen Hoddle.

However several other crimes against music have passed under the radar almost completely unnoticed. Today we ausculate almost-anonymous audio atrocities arranged adjacently for your listening displeasure.

First up we have The Players, a Norwegian boyband featuring Blackburn Rover's Morten Gamst Pedersen, Vålerenga's Freddy Dos Santos & Kristofer "Doffen" Hæstad, Fredrikstad's Raymond Kvisvik and Randaberg's Øyvind Svenning who released "This Is For Real" in 2006. Proceeds from the single went to the "Soccer Against Crime" charity set up by the Red Cross.



Whilst that single helped raise money for a good cause, there is no such defence for the next melodic miscreant: England international and former(deep breath now) Arsenal, Fulham, Bristol City, Newcastle United, Manchester United, Blackburn Rovers, Manchester City, Portsmouth, Birmingham, Sunderland and Burnley (phew!) striker Andrew "Andy Cole" Cole who of course now plys his trade with Nottingham Forest. In 1999 he released the musical abomination "Outstanding" which did in part live up to its name as it was Outstanding....ly bad.


Nice.

Apparently Watford's American defender Jay Demerit also released a single entitled "Soccer Rocks" however I was unable to track down a copy.

It's probably for the best though, I don't think my ears could take much more.

India withdrew from the 1950 World Cup because their players refused to wear football boots.

It's always puzzled me that a country the size of India has never made an appearance in the World Cup. Ok so football isn't the most popular sport over there but with a population of over 1.1 billion people (don't even think about trying to count 'em) you'd think they could muster up a decent XI.

The closest the Bhangra Boys have come to making it to the big show was in 1950 when they qualified for the tournament in Brazil without playing a single game after all their prospective regional rivals withdrew. Regardless of the ease of their passage many felt they were deserving of a place after a brief but impressive performance in the 1948 Olympics:

"The Indian team embarked upon its first overseas tour in 1948. The occasion was the 1948 London Olympics. The Indian team thrilled all spectators in their only game against France. Led by legendary captain Sailendra Nath Manna, the team lost a heart breaker to France 1-2, with the winner coming as late as the 89th minute."

Sadly they were never to make it to IV Campeonato Mundial de Futebol as the Indian players, who for the most part liked to play barefoot, balked when FIFA informed them that the wearing of football boots was non-negotiable. India decided this requirement was one they could not comply with and promptly withdrew from the competition.

They weren't the only team to decline to appear that year, Turkey and Scotland also chose not to make the trip. The latter did so rather gallantly as, after finishing second in that seasons British Home Nations, the Scots withdrew as they felt they were underserving of a place.

For India, who have never come close to appearing in a another World Cup, their successful qualification (and subsequent disqualification) demonstrated that their football team had plenty of heart but not enough sole.


I bet they thought they were a real shoe-in too!


Sorry... I'm a real heel... And my jokes should be given the boot.


I better stop now before I really put my foot in my mouth.