Sub Goalie Hall of Fame!: 2nd Edition!

Previously we've looked at Steve Harper and all that he has managed to achieve through his non-playing ways.

Today we look at not one, not two but three (count 'em) sub goalie's who've made their way in the world without making their way off the bench.

Carlo Cudicini

Good old Double C is probably one of the best keepers in Europe. I say probably because the old mucker hardly gets a look in since the arrival of Petr Cech in 2004. In fact Carlo's made a mere 54 appearances in the four seasons since, his first team aspirations kept firmly in check by the Czech Cech.

Despite this lack of playing time the Italian has shown little inclination to move elsewhere, a stance that has drawn criticism from some corners, although surely he deserves some credit for his loyalty.

Of course there may be another reason why he'd want to stay at one of the world's richest clubs. Notably a salary of allegedly £1.6 million a year. That amounts to £6.4 million over the past four seasons. Divide by the number of games he's played (6400000/54) means he earns approximately £118518.51 per appearance. Not bad work if you can get it. If you assume that each appearance lasted 90 minutes (they didn't all I know, for example he got sent off against Newcastle in the FA Cup back in 2005. And of course he got injured against Reading back in 2006. But let's play along anyway!) that would mean he earns around £1316.87 for every minute he plays. Bargain!


Pegguy Arphexad

Guadaloupian goal guardian Pegguy Arphexad may well be the most efficient footballer in history, winning 7 medals over 6 years whilst only making a total of 23 appearances!

The Caribbean custodian spent the early years of his career attempting to break into the starting line-ups of Lille and Lens. After little success en Francais an offer to cross the channel and join Leicester City seemed too good to pass up.

Three years, 21 appearances and a League Cup Medal later he left for the greener pastures (not literally) of Liverpool. There he was even more successful, winning two league cups, an FA cup, the UEFA Cup, the European Super Cup and the Charity Shield, all whilst only playing for the first team twice! That means his English career average was a medal every 3.2 games played. Imagine if he'd played a full season, the FA would've had to start making up new competitions for him to win!

It is worth noting that whenever called on Arphexad showed himself more than capable of tending goal at the highest level. Sadly he was never given an extended first team run and retired in 2005 after spells at Stockport County, Coventry City, Notts County and finally Olympique de Marseille.

Still he's won more trophies than Alan Shearer and George Best combined so it's not all bad.

Valerio Fiori

There have been few more enthusiastic exponents of the occasional appearance than Milan's former third choice keeper Valerio Fiori; the Roman could almost have been registered as a missing person with only three appearances in a nine year stint with the Rossoneri. The former Lazio No.1 certainly made good use of his free time; completing a law degree in 2007 before retiring at the end of the 07/08 season.

I guess he really did love "sitting on the bench"!

Because, you know, Judge's sit "on the bench"...

And so do football substitutes.

Get it?

David Hillier took drugs, stole a guy's luggage and became a fireman. But not at the same time.

With all the attention currently being lavished on Arsenal's sensational youngsters it seems now would the ideal time to focus on the life and times of one of their former young charges: tough-tackling midfielder David Hillier.

Hillier began his career by signing schoolboy forms with The Gunners way back in the halcyon days of 1984, when Torvil & Dean won Olypmic gold and the Ministry of Truth ensured all facts were historically accurate... Or something.

Anyways four years later Deadly Dave (as I like to call him) turned pro and within several years had become a regular under crazy bung-taking medal-machine George Graham. The future looked first class. Sadly at that point things started to go off the rails (I was trying for a train pun there, you know - "first class carrige", "off the rails"... Didn't really work, did it?)

Firstly in March 1995 he tested positive for illegal substance abuse then, the following year he thieved a suitcase in an airport carpark and, in the process, ensured that his future at Highbury was stolen away from him.

He subsequently went on to play for Portsmouth, Bristol Rovers and Barnet before hanging up his boots and joining the Fire Service.

So who knows; Bradley Wright-Phillips might just end up being a paramedic.

Brian Clough refused to sign Gary McAllister because he wore cowboy boots to a meeting.

Gary McAllister may have an MBE, 55 caps for Scotland, and winners medals for the League, the FA Cup, the League Cup and the UEFA Cup but if there is one thing he certainly does not have it's fashion sense.

Never was this more evident than when the Motherwellian (Motherwellatian?) midfield maestro met mercurial management monster Mrian Mlough (Brain Clough... Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Alliteration Anonymous, that's what I need. Or maybe a holiday. Somewhere sunny.)

At the time McAllister was a Leicester City player who been presented with the possibility of a move across the East Midlands to Clough's Nottingham Forest. Sadly the Scotsman made the mistake of turning up for meeting the in cowboy boots prompting Clough to famously remark:

"Who do you think you are young man? Bloody John Wayne?"

McAllister fired back "Actually yes I do and what's more I am very sensitive about it so I'd ask that you kindly avoid the subject as mental health issues are not something to be joked about and should be dealt with in a respectful and dignified manner and not treated as subjects fit for shameful ridicule. GOOD DAY SIR!" Nah, he didn't really. But it would have been great if he had.

Michael Boulding was a pretty good tennis player back in the day.

Bradford City's Sheffield-born striker Michael Boulding is probably best known for either his two successful stints at Mansfield Town or his decidedly less auspicious abode at Aston Villa where he was denied the chance to impress with his only outings coming in the Intertoto cup.

Less well known is the fact that before turning his hand (or, more accurately, feet) to a career in association football, Boulding was a promising tennis player who reached a career-high ranking of 1119. Not quite world champion material but respectable enough none the less.

Realising that his heart (and his wallet) would be better served by ditching the racket he called time on his tennis career at the age of 23 and began his first stint with the Staggs in Division Three. He subsequently went on to play for (deeeeeeeeep breath) Grimsby, Aston Villa (I mentioned that before, remember?), Sheffield United, Barnsley and Cardiff City before deciding to hang up his boots at the age of 29. And then changing his mind and un-retiring to join Rotheram. And then leaving four months later without making a first team appearance to rejoin Mansfield. This time he brought along his brother too. Fast forward two years and a bunch of goals and we're up to the present day with the Fabulous Boulding Boys signing for Bradford City.

Will MB be a success for the Bantams? Well I guess the ball is in his court.

Oh god, just kill me now. Seriously, can you believe that's how I'm ending this article? I cannot be serious!

Alright, I'm just making things worse now aren't I?

Alex Ferguson is a very angry (and succesful) man.

Love him or hate him, you can't deny that Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson has won a frightening amount of medals. In fact you could say that the only thing more intimidating than the size of his trophy cabinet is his notoriously short temper.

Indeed the Grizzly Glasweigan's outbursts and overreactions have become a matter of routine over the years. Some of the more bizarre (and most infamous) include kicking a boot at David Beckham, gatecrashing Ryan Giggs and Lee Sharpe's house party,branding Paul Ince a "big time charlie", refusing to speak to the BBC after they questioned his son's business dealings and even going as far as boycotting Manchester United's in house television channel MUTV after they criticised his tactics.

However perhaps strangest of all was when the then-Aberdeen manager fined his star striker John Hewitt for overtaking him in his car. As in they were both driving on a road. And John Hewitt overtook the car in front. And Alex Ferguson was driving that car. And that apparently merits a club fine.

Most would agree it would've been fair for Ferguson to at least seek an explanation from Hewitt before issuing the fine. After all he might just have really needed to go to the toilet!

A couple of videos of footballers singing badly.

Footballers and music just don't mix. There have been innumerable infamous incidents involving ill-advised attempts at irenic integration including Gazza's truly appalling rendition of the already painful "Fog On The Tyne" (which somehow reached no.2 in the British charts in late 1990) and Chris Waddle's double assault on the ears of the world which included "We've Got A Feeling" (featuring his Olympique Marseille team-mate Basil Boli) and of course the now-legendary "Diamond Lights" featuring Glen Hoddle.

However several other crimes against music have passed under the radar almost completely unnoticed. Today we ausculate almost-anonymous audio atrocities arranged adjacently for your listening displeasure.

First up we have The Players, a Norwegian boyband featuring Blackburn Rover's Morten Gamst Pedersen, Vålerenga's Freddy Dos Santos & Kristofer "Doffen" Hæstad, Fredrikstad's Raymond Kvisvik and Randaberg's Øyvind Svenning who released "This Is For Real" in 2006. Proceeds from the single went to the "Soccer Against Crime" charity set up by the Red Cross.



Whilst that single helped raise money for a good cause, there is no such defence for the next melodic miscreant: England international and former(deep breath now) Arsenal, Fulham, Bristol City, Newcastle United, Manchester United, Blackburn Rovers, Manchester City, Portsmouth, Birmingham, Sunderland and Burnley (phew!) striker Andrew "Andy Cole" Cole who of course now plys his trade with Nottingham Forest. In 1999 he released the musical abomination "Outstanding" which did in part live up to its name as it was Outstanding....ly bad.


Nice.

Apparently Watford's American defender Jay Demerit also released a single entitled "Soccer Rocks" however I was unable to track down a copy.

It's probably for the best though, I don't think my ears could take much more.

India withdrew from the 1950 World Cup because their players refused to wear football boots.

It's always puzzled me that a country the size of India has never made an appearance in the World Cup. Ok so football isn't the most popular sport over there but with a population of over 1.1 billion people (don't even think about trying to count 'em) you'd think they could muster up a decent XI.

The closest the Bhangra Boys have come to making it to the big show was in 1950 when they qualified for the tournament in Brazil without playing a single game after all their prospective regional rivals withdrew. Regardless of the ease of their passage many felt they were deserving of a place after a brief but impressive performance in the 1948 Olympics:

"The Indian team embarked upon its first overseas tour in 1948. The occasion was the 1948 London Olympics. The Indian team thrilled all spectators in their only game against France. Led by legendary captain Sailendra Nath Manna, the team lost a heart breaker to France 1-2, with the winner coming as late as the 89th minute."

Sadly they were never to make it to IV Campeonato Mundial de Futebol as the Indian players, who for the most part liked to play barefoot, balked when FIFA informed them that the wearing of football boots was non-negotiable. India decided this requirement was one they could not comply with and promptly withdrew from the competition.

They weren't the only team to decline to appear that year, Turkey and Scotland also chose not to make the trip. The latter did so rather gallantly as, after finishing second in that seasons British Home Nations, the Scots withdrew as they felt they were underserving of a place.

For India, who have never come close to appearing in a another World Cup, their successful qualification (and subsequent disqualification) demonstrated that their football team had plenty of heart but not enough sole.


I bet they thought they were a real shoe-in too!


Sorry... I'm a real heel... And my jokes should be given the boot.


I better stop now before I really put my foot in my mouth.

Bora Milutinović's World of World Cups.

Velibor "Bora" Milutinović is an international football management legend, with two CONCACAF Gold Cups in his trophy cabinet. However his greatest acheivement, one which has comes with no medal, is taking charge of five different countries in five consecutive World Cups: Mexico in 1986, Costa Rica in 1990, USA in 1994, Nigeria in 1998 and China in 2002. With the exception of the Chinese he advanced past the group stage on every occasion.

Sadly the tournament in Japan & Korea was his last World Cup appearance, at least for now. He did go on to take the helm of two more nations; Honduras from 2003-2004 and Jamaica from 2006-2007. Since being fired from The Reggae Boyz the Serbian Soccer Saviour has stayed out of the management spotlight. Fingers crossed he reappears in time for South Africa 2010.

Despite his acehievements in the world's most watched sporting event his greatest triumph, according to the man himself, was beating Scotland.

Some people are easily pleased, aren't they?

Goran Ivanisevic is a famous tennis player but he really likes football and once even played for Hajduk Split.

Goran Ivanisevic is probably most famous for being the only person to win the men's single title at Wimbledon as a wild card. A less well known fact is that he's a die hard fan of both West Brom and his hometown club, Hajduk Split, even managing to briefly turn out for them in 2001. Taking things a step further he played (and scored) for the Croation national team in a friendly against an International XI in 2002. With a record of one cap/one goal he can be spoken of in the same breath with such luminaries as Francis Jeffers & David Nugent.

And, if you ask me, being compared to those two footballing greats is the highest honour any sportsman can achieve!

Carlos Roa was really worried about Armageddon (the religious event, not the movie starring Ben Affleck.)

Argentinin keeper Carlos Roa, perhaps most famous for his part in eliminating England from the 1998 World Cup, once refused a contract extension as he believed the world was going to end.

At the conclusion of the 1998/99 season the then Mallorca player declined a new deal with the club and retreated to a farmhouse in rural Argentina helpfully providing the following reasoning before he left:

"The year 2000 is going to be difficult," Roa declared. "In the world, there is war, hunger, plague, much poverty, floods. I can assure you that those people who don't have a spiritual connection with God and the type of life that he wants will be in trouble."

Happily Roa's concerns were unfounded and, with the world still continuing to exist, the keeper decided to return to his former club. However despite the inaccurate prophecy the experience ended up strengthing his convictions rather than weakening them with the returning Roa now refusing to play on Saturdays, limiting his appearances at club level and effectively ending his international career.

Despite this, the Santa Fe soothsayer stuck to his principals until his retirement in 2006. Some would say that in end Roa failed to make the most of his talent. Still, it's not the end of the world.

Is it?

There are six Brazillians playing at Euro 2008.

With a population of over 186,000,000 (count 'em!) and only eleven spots in the starting line-up, it's not an easy task to make the Brazilian national team. So what are you to do if you're a humble Brasileiros whose managed to carve out a career pounding the turf of professional futbol fields but are still nowhere near donning the gold and green of your birth country? Easy! Switch nationalities! And that's just what the following fellows have done in order to make appearances in this years European Championships:



Mehmet Aurelio (Marco Aurélio Brito dos Prazeres) - Turkey

Fenerbache's Rio De Janeiro-born defensive midfielder acquired Turkish nationality in 2006 after five years of residence in his adopted homeland. He subsequently adopted the Muslim name "Mehmet" in order to complete his transformation and was immediately called up to the national team, proving himself an invaluable asset for the Crescent Stars.



Deco (Anderson Luis de Souza) - Portugal

Gifted playmaker Deco was born in the mountain city of São Bernardo do Campo. He enjoyed a spell at Corinthians before moving to Portugal with Benfica shortly before his 20th birthday. Benfica and their manager, the infamous Graeme Souness, did not see Deco as player worth holding on to and first loaned him out to lower league clubs and then allowed him to move to their rivals FC Porto. Here the Brazilian showed his true worth, becoming the lynchpin of a dominating Porto side that captured three Portuguese Ligas, three Portuguese Cups, three Portuguese Supercups, the UEFA Cup and finally the Champions League. Following this success he crossed the border to play for the mighty FC Barcelona. Deco made his international debut for Portugal in 2003 after six years of residence. Ironically his first appearance was against Brazil where, to make the fairy tale complete, he scored in a 2-1 win.



Pepe (Kepler Laveran Lima Ferreria) - Portugal

Pepe moved to Real Madrid after six years of playing in Portugal for 30 million Euros (count...Ah, don't bother, it's Monopoly money) which, according to the exchange rate at the time of writing, is approximately £23,780,504.02 (count 'em - and don't forget the two pence!) He gained Portuguese citizenship in 2007 shortly before he joined Franco's favourites and made his debut four months later.



Roger Guerreiro - Poland

Rog' is another lad from São Paulo, he got called up for Poland after only two years living in the country as his application was citizenship was fast-tracked. Just in time for Euro 2008 too! How convenient!



Kevin Kuranyi - Germany

The man with the middle name of Dennis was born in Rio de Janeiro but was in fact eligible to play for four different countries due to his parentage. He chose Germany back in 2003 and has been banging in the goals ever since, scoring a respectable 19 in 49 appearances for Die Mannschaft.



Marcos Senna (Marcos Antônio Senna da Silva) - Spain

Marcos Senna is one of Villarreal’s longest-serving and most valuable players. He moved to the Madrigal stadium in 2002 after doing the rounds in Brazil, playing for no less than five clubs in five years there. He gained Spanish nationality in 2006 and hasn't looked back since.



Eduardo (Eduardo Alves da Silva) - Croatia

Eduardo's not actually at the Euros but he would've been if Martin Taylor hadn't broken his leg. He's another that was born in Rio but was scouted by Dinamo Zagreb and brought to Croatia at just 16 years old. Five years and many goals later he made his debut for Croatia and has an enviable goal scoring record at the national level with 13 in just 22 appearances. He now plies his trade in the Premiership with Arsenal and hopes to recover from his horrific injury by early next season.



The entire Northern Ireland squad

Ok, so they didn't actually qualify for Euro 2008 and none of them are from South America's largest country but watching them play... Well, it's just like watching Brazil! Honest!

Harry Redknapp's Transfer Hall of Shame.

When Portsmouth won this seasons FA Cup the general reaction was one of delight on two fronts; firstly that a team outside the so-called "big four" had won the competition (the first time this had happened since Everton's 1995 triumph) and secondly that manager Harry Redknapp had finally added a top-level honour to his name.

The gregarious gaffer (alliteration count: 1) has always enjoyed well-loved status in his home nation both for his abilities at nurturing young talent (including such luminaries as Frank Lampard, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Carrick, Jermain Defoe, Joe Cole, Theo Walcott and Glen Johnson. And of course Jamie Redknapp too.) and for his colourful off-the-cuff manner.

However despite the Eastender's evident eruditeness (alliteration count: 2), his forays into the transfer market have often proved anything less than wise.




Paolo Futre

Hoping to add some flair to his side, Redknapp recruited Portuguese international Paolo Futre in 1996. However instead of pace & ability the man from Mojito (alliteration count: 3. Hat-trick!!!!!!) provided petulance & arrogance, refusing to take the field for his debut against Arsenal as he was unsatisfied with his shirt number. The following is paraphrased from "Harry Redknapp, My Autobiography."

'"No way [number] 16," Futre said. "Number 10. Eusebio number 10. Futre number 10." So determined was he to wear his number of choice that he offered to pay £100,000 for the privilege. The impasse was resolved when the man in possession of the West Ham number 10 shirt, John Moncur, agreed to give it up in exchange for a fortnight's holiday in Futre's luxury villa in Portugal.'

Amazingly this display did not endear him to his new manager or team mates and, after making only eight further appearances, Paolo the Porugeezer was shipped off to Athletico Madrid.




Florin Raducioiu

Around the same time old Harry made what was thought to be a very shrewd signing when he brought Espanyol's Romanian hitman Florin Raducioiu to London for around two and a half million pounds. However it soon became clear that the Bucharestian (Bucharestite?) was more interested in enjoying the sights and sounds of the English capital than the football, as proved when he decided to miss a League Cup game to go shopping with his girlfriend.

Unsurprisingly the player soon found himself in the shop window, moving right back to Espanyol at the end of the season, having contributed two goals in eleven appearances.




Joey Beauchamp

Redknapp was involved in another infamous transfer for the Hammers before he even took charge. As assistant manager to Billy Bonds, Harry had a hand in the purchase of Oxford's promising youngster Joey Beauchamp for one million bokes. Young JB lasted an astonishing one day before requesting a transfer, citing home-sickness. He left less than two months later with only a single pre-season appearance to his name.




Marco Boogers

Harry's most infamous signing involved inconceivably-named Dutch striker Marco Boogers. Boogers West Ham career was over almost as soon as it had begun when he was sent off in only his second game after committing a 'sickening horror tackle' on Manchester United fullback Gary Neville and then fleeing to live in hiding in a Dutch Caravan park whilst protesting "I'm not mental!" All perfectly sane stuff.

Redknapp himself called Boogers his worst ever signing.

And with that we draw a close on our look through Harry's Transfer Hall of Shame, at least for now. The moral of this story is... well, I'm not sure really. I'm pretty tired from writing this all out to be honest. So I guess the moral is: Always get enough rest. Perfect!

Sing us a song Christopher Wreh!

Former Liberian international (and cousin to George Weah) Christopher Wreh had the privilege to play for a multitude of clubs all over the world, including spells at Monaco, AEK Athens & Birmingham City. However the crowning glory of his footballing career was unquestionably his part in Arsenal's 1998 Double winning side.

Whilst this may have been the height of his athletic output, it could well be that his creative peak is yet to fully emerge: Wreh announced his retirement from professional football in 2005 to dedicate more time to touring the world with his band the Soul Rebels

He later reconsidered his decision and reemerged playing for (the mighty) Perseman Manokwari in Indonesia.

Despite his return to the field Wreh, speaking on his rarely updated (but consistently entertaining) official blog, promises that the world has not heard the last of his musical abilities.

There is one question left to consider though: If Christopher Wreh is George Weah's cousin, does that mean he's related to Ali Dia?

The answer is of course no. Unless your name is Graeme Souness.

Tony Yeboah opens a chain of hotels and sleeps with another man's wife. But not at the same time.

It's always interesting to see what ex-footballers do once their playing careers are over. Some become pundits, others sell vacuum cleaners but former Leeds United hitman took a different path, opening a chain of hotels named "Yegoala" in his home country of Ghana.

Sadly the official website is currently MIA which raises questions about how much of a success the venture was.

Still, if the buisness did in deed fail, all Tony needs to do to bring a smile back to his face again is to think back over his glittering playing career (which included finishing as top scorer in the Bundesliga in back-to-back seasons) or, if that fails to improve his mood, perhaps remember the time he was insulted by Zimbabwe head coach Charles Mhlauri and got his revenge by sleeping with Mhlauri's wife.

Yeboah justified his actions by saying "When a man insults my country I insult him, by taking his woman."

This rationale begs the question "If you insulted Tony Yeboah's woman would he invade your country?"

I think the answer is yes. Yes he would.

John Arne Riise simultaneously asked out ten women via text message.

Liverpool star John Arne Riise's first language may be Norwegian and his second language may be English and his third language may be Football but his fourth language is most definitely Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve. The pint-sized Premier League pixie knows that the way to a woman's heart is not through sending chocolate or flowers or pictures of yourself re-enacting popular children's movies using dead animal parts (guess which one my favourite is?) but instead via the medium of poorly-constructed text messages! And instead of sending it to just one woman, why not increase your odds by sending the same message to ten of them? And what type of people are better than regular people?! Why celebrities of course!

With all this in mind the pint-sized Premier League pixie (wait... I already used that one, didn't I?) sent the following message to ten famous Norwegian women, in the hopes of landing a date:

"Good evening... After a lot of calling to all kinds of contacts, I finally got your number. I have always thought you are very charming, cute, sexy, fantastic aura, and last but not least, you seem exciting and challenging;) hope we can get in touch, and I will of course invite you on a romantic dinner for two;) kiss from John Arne Riise xxx"

Sadly the plan blew up in his face when a tabloid got wind of his plan and exposed the whole affair.

Bttr luk nxt tyme m8!!! :-D xxx kiss from winston xxxx

Steve Harper does stuff which isnt related to football but is worth mentioning because he is a footballer and this site's about football & footballers

Newcastle's Steve Harper may go down in history as one of football's great under-utilised talents. The County Durham-er (County Durham-ite?) joined the Magpies in 1993 during Kevin Keegan's first reign at the helm and when King Kev returned 15 years later he was the only player from that original era remaining at the club.

Yet despite his long tenure with the Magpies and his obvious talent, Harper has spent almost his entire career in the shadow of others, most notably the undeniably brilliant Shay Given.

However there are positives to come from playing second fiddle as it has allowed Harper to pursue activities outwith playing. Such as furthering his refereeing career, obtaining a Social Sciences degree from the Open University and indulging in his love of autobiographies.

Still despite all this self-improvement he is yet to demonstrate cultural significance outside of the Football arena unlike gangly Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand who produced possibly the defining moment in the history of television with his comedic tour de force: "Rio's World Cup Wind-ups". Merked!

Lutz Pfannenstiel's World of Football... Playing

German shot-stopper Lutz Pfannenstiel is famous for two things: Almost dying during a football match and playing for a ridiculous amount of clubs.

In total the globe-trotting goalie has turned out for twenty nine (count 'em) teams (six of those being amateur sides) in thirteen different countries, in the process becoming the only footballer to have played professionally on every continent.

Currently the Brobdingnagian Bavarian plys his trade with Clube Atlético Hermann Aichinger in Brazil's Série C. He has previously enjoyed stints with Wimbledon, Nottingham Forest and the mighty Dunedin Technical!

The man himself reckons his round-the-world record will never be matched as, in his own words "...there aren't many people as crazy as me!"

Still, with all that travelling I'd hate to think of his carbon footprint.

Julio Cruz has green fingers

Football has had it's fair share of unusual nicknames over the years, from the reasonably self-explanatory (Roberto Baggio's "Divine Ponytail") to the outright bizzare (Lionel Messi's "La Pulga Atómica" or "The Automatic Flea" in English). Falling somewhere in between those two categories comes Internazionale's Argentinian goal-machine Julio Cruz. Or as he is sometimes known "El Jardinero" (The Gardener).

Whilst Cruz's abnormal appellation might seem baffling at first it is in fact rooted (check out that pun... because he's called "The Gardener" you see... and plants have roots... Hello? Is this thing on?) in truth.

Apparently as a young man our friend Julio earned his cash mowing the lawn of local side Club Atlético Banfield. One day the team were a man short during a training session and he was invited to join in and make up the numbers. Once the coach saw JC's talent he had no hesitation in offering him a spot on the roster and thus a career was born! Simple as that.

Now where did I leave my shears?

Australia 31 - 0 American Samoa

Back before Australia reclassified itself as an Asian country it's national team regularly had to face-off against the assorted motley crews of part-timers and weekend warriors that made up the rest of the OFC. With the possible exception of New Zealand none of them had a chance against the might of the Socceroos, the best they could hope for being to survive the 90 minutes with some shred of dignity intact.

On the 11th of April 2001 American Samoa (who occupied a vertigo-inducing 200th position in the FIFA World Rankings and had never won an officially-sanctioned match) attempted to do just that. They failed.

Initially the scoreline was listed as 32-0, however it was later confirmed by FIFA to be a much less embarrassing 31-0. Regardless it was still enough to count as a new World Record with Aussie striker Archie Thompson also claiming the individual record by hitting the back of the net an astounding (and possibly unlucky) thirteen times.

Despite the humiliating result for the Samoans then-manager Tony Langkilde remained upbeat. Sadly his optimism was misplaced as he was later sacked and, at the current time, American Samoa are still yet to claim their first victory.

And you thought San Marino were bad.

Charlie Oatway is named after the entire 1973 QPR first-team

Havant & Waterlooville player/coach Charlie Oatway took part in a surpisingly long FA Cup run this year with the non-league minnows finally losing out to Premiership giants Liverpool in the 4th round. Quite fitting for a man with such a surprising long name; the former Brighton & Hove Albion man was actually born Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway. Each of his eleven names came from a member of Queens Park Rangers 1973 first-team, who finished second in the "old, old Division Two" (that's the "old First Division" or "The Championship" in modern parlance) to Burnley, winning promotion to the top flight in the process.

Of course you might've noticed that Charlie isn't actually one of his given names. Apparently when his aunt found out the intended epithet for her newborn nephew she reacted in the manner of most sane people (i.e. non football fans,) commenting: "You'll make him look a right Charlie." And so that moniker stuck instead. Still, it could be worse, at least he's not called Neville Neville.

Gary & Phil Neville's Dad is called Neville Neville

Yes,really.

Rudi Gutendorf's World of Football Management

His might not be the first name that springs to mind when you think of legendary football managers but make no mistake about it; Rudi Gutendorf is a record-breaking gaffer.

In a career spanning over forty years and six continents the wiley old German took charge of an amazing fifty-four teams, including seventeen national teams! After beginning his managerial métier in 1955 with Blue Stars Zurich, Old Rudster finally called it a day in 1999 after an unsuccesful attempt at leading Rwanda to the following years African Cup of Nations.

Here's a full list (in German) of the teams he took charge of, courtesy of his official website.

1. 1946 – 54: SV Rengsdorf (Kreisklasse)

2. Rot-Weiß Koblenz (Bezirksklasse)

3. VfB Lützel (Bezirksklasse)

4. SG Braubach (Kreisklasse)

5. TuS Neuendorf (Oberliga)

6. 1955: Blue Stars Zürich (Nationalliga B)

7. 1955 – 60: FC Luzern (Nationalliga B)

8. 1961: US Monastir/Tunesien (1. Div.)

9. 1962 – 63 : TSV Marl-Hüls (Oberliga)

10. 1963 – 64 : Meidericher SV (Bundesliga)

11. 1965: VfB Stuttgart (Bundesliga)

12. 1966 – 68: St. Lous (US-Profiliga)

13. 1968: Bermudas

14. 1968 – 70: Schalke 04 (Bundesliga)

15. 1970 – 71: Kickers Offenbach

16. 1972: Cristal Lima (Peru)

17. Nationaltrainer Chile

18. 1974: 1860 München (2. Bundesliga)

19. 1974: Manager der Hallen-WM

20. 1974: Nationaltrainer Bolivien

21. 1974: FC Boliviar

22. 1974: Nationaltrainer Venezuela

23. 1975: Valladolid (2. Liga Spanien)

24. 1975 – 76: Fortuna Köln (2. Bundesliga)

25. 1976: Nationaltrainer Trinidad

26. 1976: Nationaltrainer Grenada

27. 1976: Nationaltrainer Antigua

28. 1976: Nationaltrainer Botswana

29. 1976 – 77: TB Berlin (Bundesliga)

30. 1977: Hamburger SV (Bundesliga)

31. 1978: Nationaltrainer Australien

32. 1980: Fifa Lecture Philippinen

33. 1980 : Nationaltrainer Neu-Kaledonien

34. 1981: Trainer-Lehrgang Fidschi

35. 1981: Nationaltrainer Nepal

36. 1981: Nationaltrainer Tonga

37. 1981: Nationaltrainer Tansania

38. 1981 – 82: Yanga Daressalam (Tansania)

39. 1982: Trainerausbildung Arysha (Tansania)

40. 1982 – 84: FC Youmiuri (Japan)

41. 1984: Hertha BSC (2. Bundesliga)

42. 1984: Sao Thome, Prineipe (Westafrika)

43. 1985: Nationaltrainer Ghana

44. 1985: Nationaltrainer Nepal

45. 1986: Trainerausbilder Nepal

46. 1987: Trainerausbilder Fidschi

47. 1987: Nationaltrainer Fidschi

48. 1988: Trainerausbilder China

49. 1988: Olympia-Nationaltrainer Iran

50. 1991 – 92: Olympia-Team China

51. 1995 – 96: Nationaltrainer Zimbabwe

52. 1997: Nationaltrainer Mauritius

53. 1998: Sportdirektor TuS Koblenz

54. 1999: Nationaltrainer Ruanda

Celtic won the Polar Bear Trophy

As of this writing Glasgow's Celtic FC are the only Scottish team to have triumphed in the European Cup. However even if another team from the land of Irn Bru and deep fried Mars Bars (both of which are delicious) were to equal that acheivement the Bhoys would still have a unique claim to fame: They are the only team to win the Polar Bear Trophy, which they gained after a victory over FC Valur of Iceland in the 1975 Cup Winners Cup.

The trophy is carved from stone and depicts "a polar bear devouring a seal". How lovely.

For more discussion of Celtic's minor trophies (and other assorted football trivia) check out The Knowledge.

Lars Elstrup is crazier than a Wild Goose.

Winning medals might've come easily to Lars Elstrup, member of Denmark's triumphant Euro 92 side, however losing his marbles was sadly even easier. The former Luton Town top scorer chucked it in at age 30, citing depression, and from there his decline began.

The lovable Dane joined a cult known as "Wild Goose" based in a farmhouse outside of Odense and refused to see his family for several years. He later recovered and attempted a comeback at age 36.

Unfortunately the story does not end there. Esltrup relapsed into mental illness, indecently exposed himself in public and, whilst naked, wrestled a policeman and slapped a school boy.

But then again who hasn't?

Espen Baardsen trades balls for bonds.

Former Norweigan international goalkeeper Espen Baardsen now works at London based asset management company.

The ex-Spurs, Watford and Everton player retired from the game in 2003 at age 25 claiming he had lost interest in the game.

He later resurfaced working for the aformentioned asset management company Eclectica where instead of saving balls he saves money. For investors. Or something. How does Asset Managment work again?